Psychic Headphones

I bought a pair of motivational headphones and I’ve never felt more miserable. You know those headphones that read your mind and give you spiritual support or life advice, right?

I know you think it’s self-help crap but hear me out. Everywhere I’d go they talked into my ear “you look great today”, “that was a brilliant speech”, “your laugh is contagious“, “you are such a charmer”… It was great. For a short while.

Things started to go wrong when I switched the headphone’s mode from “CONFIDENCE-BUILDING” to “POWER-COACHING”. It was fun to go about my day and get some life coaching advice but soon it got too out of hand.

It started small. One lazy afternoon I was watching videos in the console when the headphones whispered into my ear “you don’t really need that second scoop of ice-cream, do you?” Soon after they told me I was fat so I would be motivated to exercise. They told me I was ugly to motivate me to update my wardrobe. They even told me I was stupid to motivate me to go back to college. Instead of telling me how great I was, they kept telling me how great I could be.

I just turned the damn things to “SELF-CONTEMPT”. Really, who wants to work their ass off to become a better version of themselves, when you can just lie to yourself and believe you already are? Or at least have somebody lie to you.